Category: Life

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06: DO YOUR WORK

I think everyone knows about the Enneagram by now.

Almost every person under age 45 has at least heard of it.

The Enneagram is a personality test that is much deeper than you are probably prepared to read. I was turned on to it a couple of years ago and cannot seem to get enough. I have read Rohr and Cron and Huertz and even listen to Ian Cron’s weekly podcast Typology – humble brag. But, I am just scratching the surface of all the materials and knowledge out there. I believe the most important reason for this surge in popularity is how this sacred message raises one’s awareness and promotes personal and spiritual growth.

Now Personal Growth may be a more thoughtful term than “self-help”, but I really buy it. Nothing is more concerning to me than the thought that human beings are incapable of change or more importantly growth. I think any addict who has maintained sobriety for over 25 years would vehemently disagree with you – my dad is a perfect example.

I believe we need to grow. We are not stagnant beings. We were made for a distinct purpose.

The question is – do you …believe this? And if you do, what will you do to promote growth? This is where you “do your work”.

“Do your work” is a common term shared by Ian Cron on his outstanding Typology podcast (see above). From what I can tell, this is a clinical term for someone who has spent the necessary time to reflect, understand, and project how they experience the world. In other words, those who have “done their work” fully understand how we deal with all the shitty hands life has dealt us.

Do we live as victims of our past or do we persevere and live a different story because of our past?

I chose the latter.

The most recent book I read was about my number (2) specifically by Beth McCord. If you don’t know anything about the Enneagram – shocked you are still reading this – but there are 9 numbers and most every human being aligns closely with one of them. The 9 numbers each have their own name designation and description. You can find this all detailed in the books by the authors above or the other 10,000 books available online.

I wanted to write about some work I have been doing.

For once, not about design or architecture, but about soul searching, life giving work. The work I have been needing to do. Instead of the super deep dive (helpful to me, boring to read) here are some highlights/ questions that McCord asks. These have been very useful as I have begun my work:

  1. What is your core desire? – what you always strive for
  2. What is your core fear? – what you always avoid or prevent
  3. What is your core weakness? – what you wrestle with
  4. What is your core longing? – what you long to hear

McCord walks through these themes briefly in her short book, but the thing I realized through the simple writing exercises is how complex and deep and emotional I am. We all are this way – each unique works by God, on this Earth for a divine purpose. But, life is not prescribed or some sort of formula. That’s what makes it thrilling and worth living. We really have to grapple (each day) with our core desires and fears, weaknesses and longings. Understanding who we are at our worst and actually learning from it. Taking our lives as a series of rough drafts, making edits and becoming more profound prose. Never perfect of course, but a better version than before.

Here’s the revelation I had from McCord’s book:

My deepest desire is fueled by my biggest fear.

For me this means, I have an endless ambition to avoid a life of insignificance, to live a life and not be remembered. Conversely, I strive for identity, meaning, and acknowledgement to my detriment. This is the wrestling match you may resonate with, but the important thing is not to win the match, but understand who is in the ring.

Maybe these are deep topics for a blog post, but I am starting to think this is the kind of work we all need to do. To ask ourselves big and deep and wide questions of our soul and do our work necessary to live the lives we were created to live.

One lesson at a time.

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05: DEVELOP THE MOMENTUM

Poet Maggie Smith has a great IG feed.

Her poems are posted as memes that encourage, inspire, and often ignite our wayward souls. My favorite part about these posts is how each one closes – two words:

“Keep moving”.

This idea of moving – even when we don’t want to – is what I call momentum.

Recently, I have struggled to gain traction in my career. I constantly find myself reacting to whatever fire is the most pressing that day. Philosopher Charles Pepin states “everything is urgent, but not everything is important” – another lesson to write about later. But, for now I like to think about how I can shift from reacting to “urgent” matters to planning and being more pro-active about my profession/ my life. But, to be pro-active requires goals and foresight – ambition and actionable steps. This commitment to daily improvement and long-term growth is what I would call development. The act of building a team of supporters and champions is what I call momentum.

Develop the momentum.

Here’s how I have found success developing momentum :

1. Interview your friends – nothing makes us feel more human than sharing our struggles with someone in a similar creative field. I have learned so much from friends in related professions – Landscape Architecture, Planning, Marketing, Advertising, Teaching, Finance, IT and even the FBI. All I have to do is ask good questions. Be specific. How do they handle a tough boss, how do they balance work and home, marriage and kids, how do they create margin, stay inspired, avoid career drift. Simple questions almost always yield a renewed spirit and more hopeful perspective.

2. (re) Read timeless wisdom– maybe obvious and I know people often poke at the “self-help” books ( I prefer personal growth) , however I think there is a lot of quality material that has stood the test of time. Whether its Solomon (Proverbs) Carnegie (How to Win Friends…) or even your favorite poet/writer (Berry/ Oliver/ Rilke/ Lamott) These authors understand we get down and we need a boost. Maybe reading a perspective of finding purpose in a dark time charges you again. Maybe some words written long ago speak to your soul and spark something inside. This wisdom endures for a reason.

3. List your strengths – I review my strengths constantly – as a dad, as a husband, as an architect, as a friend. I am confident after all this time that I know what I am good at: drawing, communicating, believing, inspiring, engaging, yearning, aiming, striving, empathizing, activating, serving, laughing, sharing, collaborating, etc. Might seem pretentious to list them out, but I find a lot of encouragement when reading every adjective I would use to define myself. Thinking about every way God has gifted me and think about how I can help other people with those gifts. Look at this often and especially on bad days – remember you are beautifully and wonderfully made.

4. Make an encouragement folder/ keep track of wins – I need a lot of encouragement and recognition. Without it I become full of doubt and amazingly critical. However, I cannot expect our office leadership, my wife, or my friends to constantly pat me on the back. So I started saving encouraging emails. These could be from friends/ family/ work…anything and file them in a email folder. Then when I have having a lousy day – I read a few. I remind yourself that others value me and more importantly my value extends beyond workplace. Once again, I reminder to myself – that I am enough, I am loved.

5. Encourage others – this one is counter-intuitive, but if you fill someone up you start to develop momentum. Your investment in others reminds you of your place in the world and your power to elevate the human condition. We have the opportunity to step into people’s circumstances and illuminate the good in their life. What a tremendous responsibility! And the most amazing part is that this need is all around us. Think about what would happen if you started to notice other people more, especially their needs? Maybe you become the person who notices when co-workers go above and beyond. Maybe you become the person who buys coffee during a deadline. Maybe you see someone on a deadline and bring them lunch. These small acts allow us to step out of our selfishness and into serving humanity. We could be the people whom inspire people. It just takes time and attention – like the great Mary Oliver says “attention is the beginning of devotion”.

6. Record lessons – our toughest weeks are draining, exhausting, and overwhelming. We get pressed and pushed and driven to meet every deadline, client and family need. In the midst of all of this is abundant lessons (see blog post 1) where there is always something to learn – even if its what not to do. Record your lessons in a small flexible book and try to write in it 1x a week. That’s 52 bits of wisdom a year – think about how much you could collect just by living life. Some lessons are learned from a job site or lessons learned by arriving late at home. Both are wisdom to learn from and carry forward. We live in a time where people constantly seek answers and are always seeking wisdom. We would be well-served to look into our own repository of life experiences – both good or bad – and reflect on how we might behave differently and how we could live a better way.

7. Find a mentor – this is an important one. A mentor is a mysterious combination of coach, grandparent, and friend. They are full of generosity and wisdom and passion. These are the people we hope to be someday so in the meantime we all need to find folks to push us to be better. Who give great advice because they have lived exactly (or close) what you are going through. Don’t have a mentor yet? Try this exercise – make a list of 5 people that inspire you – professionally, personally, relationally, spiritually, financially – whatever – five people. Then ask yourself how much time you spend with each of them. If you don’t know them – write them and tell them you want to learn more about how they do life. Trust me – they will call back. If it is someone you see occasionally, make an effort to see them consistently. Have a 1x/ week group, a 1x/month call, and a quarterly check-in with people committed to your success. Nothing I can think of develops more momentum than this sphere of influence.

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03: LEAVE NOTHING OUT

Wendell Berry’s short and iconic poem was introduced to me by a dear friend one night when discussing the things we always do when we have drinks… Life, Work Life, Married Life, Balancing Life, and the purpose of it all.

Ian grabbed his copy of “Leavings” from his spare bedroom – where the frogs typically live – and opened up to the first page. Berry’s memorable prose is the first poem in the batch and is somehow imprinted on my memory. I cannot tell you where my keys, wallet, or phone are, but I can recite this gem from Like Snow.

You could pull this poem apart in so many ways – each word is deliberate and calculated and so deeply thoughtful. Here are just a few quick sentiments that strike me:

“Suppose” – such a gentle admonishment, encouraging us to work a different way. A very different way.

“Like snow” – there is nothing more calming than the ground collecting snow. A fresh, thick blanket over the earth. But Berry, finds just the right word for a fresh snowfall. Quiet. I have often stepped outside during an intense storm just to hear the quiet sound.

Why does he repeat “quietly, quietly”? Again – I think Mr. Berry knows we can easily brush through short poems, but in 13 words only one repeats. I think that is very intentional.

But the that phrase is what really resonates with me. Something that keeps me up at night thinking about. “Leaving nothing out”.

If I am not careful, this can cause quite an existential moment – what am I missing? what am I forgetting? what in life has God put me here to do and did I not see it? In other words, is my life “leaving anything out”?

Kobe Bryant and his young daughter died this past Sunday in a helicopter crash. A lot has been said about this and I won’t go into that here. But, since that happened, I have had several people reach out and tell me how they cared about me and didn’t want me not to know.

Very thoughtful and very interesting…

Then I heard this interview with Shaquille O’Neal, and he mentioned how in light of losing his great friend and “niece” this has given him great pause. In the midst of his very full work life, he is going to focus on being more present in his friends’ and family’s lives. To make more of an effort to check in the the people who matter most.

Here are a couple of easy ways to make sure your “leave nothing and (no one) out”:

  1. When you think of someone, text them – tell them you were thinking of them and how much they mean to you.
  2. Send letters to people you love – nothing will ever replace a thoughtful note.
  3. When you see something in a store and say to yourself “_______ would love this” – consider buying a small gift for them.
  4. Send songs to your friends- this song reminded me of you, have a great day
  5. Buy co-workers/ team members coffee
  6. Send good books to your friends –
  7. Send photos of good quotes/ pages you are reading to your friends
  8. Meet with close friends on a consistent basis
  9. Sit with new people at lunch – I am very bad at this – eating lunch and sitting with new people 🙂
  10. Give people your time when they reach out to you, even if it’s inconvenient.

Maybe you have always wanted to do something, go somewhere. Maybe you always wanted to write to your hero – do it. Maybe you always wanted to reconcile with a family member – not as easy, but try it. There is surely something you carry around within you that is dying to come out. To come to life in the world through you. This is what we and the world cannot afford to leave out.

So whether its a dream, an ambition, a friend, a family member – we all need to be reminded of Berry’s powerful charge – Suppose we did our work/ like the snow quietly, quietly/ leaving nothing out.

Let us be thorough friends, siblings, spouses, and parents. With our love, our work, our families, our marriages, our lives – Let us leave nothing out.